JULY 9th, 2025

Ahhhh. So this is it again huh? You’re finally back to talking to yourself and trying to figure things out. You havent done this in a while. Was it even helpful then? Of course you were just interrupted by work message, I won’t even say the name of the company because, fuck them. Back to me. Back to this life. I am 29, (feel like I am 49) I just got my daughters to sleep. Its a lot easier these days because of the no naps thing. Your wife (not actually married yet) just essentially told you shes not very interested in talking to you this evening so you took your laptop and went to the couch. You are contemplating ALOT right now, you tried to talk to your wife but she didn’t even look up from her phone to entertain you. “Prioritize your priorities” she said. So sophisticated. Problem solved. You may deserve this treatment. You yelled at your daughter earlier dragged her in the house, maybe your wife prompted you by yelling at you at you to close to the door so bugs dont get in and the house stays cool. Who’s to say. She’s not wrong.

Your self loathing is getting old. Your refusal to consider a therapist is also getting old. You are all over the place. Your job sucks. Your family is awesome. You have too many ideas. You can’t focus. How can you tell all these people to fuck off? Are you happy? Who’s to say.

You are in pain. still. You know you aren’t your bestself but you’re not actually interested in that. Youre too no confrontational and when you are you somehow find a way to feel worse. You are trying. You are tired. You are true of heart. Your career is really effecting you. You feel like you have so much potential but you’re being held back. Are you lazy? Are you a great father? Are you a good person? Are you a good employee? Are you a good husband? The answers to all of those are probably no. Thats what you get when you are trying to balance them all. Is that the right thing to do? Or should you just be good at one of those?

Should you quit your job tomorrow? Yes.

Will you quit your job tomorrow? No.

Would that help things? Who’s to say.

You dont even remember what year you’re dad died. I think it was 2019 but honestly not sure. When he died a part of you died that you didnt even know. That little boy who fished with his dad, who played catch, who cried, who believed things always worked out, died. You grew up that day. You aimlessly grew up. You had to.

There was really no other way tho. It was always your path that was laid out. You already knew that. You were never like them.

you don’t deserve any of this. the good and bad.

Welcome back.

Not done yet. Your daughter just awoke and is sitting on the toilet wanting nothing to do with you. You are waiting for her to finish to take her back to bed so mom can get some more uninterrupted sleep before she inevitably interrupted within the next few hours.

You just got her down. Lola. You love her so much. and Ruby. You can already foresee the worst days of ahead. When they don’t need you anymore. When the can fall asleep on their own. You really really really love them. It’s not enough tho. Why can’t you be present all the time with them. Cherish every moment. Stop raising your voice or getting on them. Whats the point? You do so much. You take them to and from school/camp almost every day. Your wife does so much. You both do so much. Is never feels like enough. I’m exhausted with myself.